Ode to Douchebag Dave

Let's talk about Dave. Dave is in the same program as me, he's my coworker/neighbor/enemy/person I despise. Obviously I'm not a big fan of his by one look at the title of this post. Dave is from Philadelphia, went to Drexel University and is an avid lover of the Philadelphia Eagles/ Phillies/ Philly Flyers. He loves Hyundai and Kias, as they were the makers of his past and current cars respectively. Since getting to know Dave, here are a list of things I never really cared for before, but I now actually detest with all the blood in my veins:

-The city of Philadelphia
-Drexel University
-The Philadelphia Eagles
-The Philadelphia Phillies
-The Philly FLyers
-Hyundai
-Kia

Let's not forget that Dave constantly asks me for the Jamaican Creole (since I'm Jamaican & speak Creole) translation to any phrase or sentence he could find. He does so by calling me "Katrina." By far biggest pet peeves of mine. Speaking of pets, Dave routinely likes to make fun of my weekend nights and the game nights I have with my 18 cats (you know, because I'm single).

As a result, I tend to project lots of anger towards Dave, sometimes I don't realize that it's my natural reaction.

Here's a picture of Dave and I last year, 4 weeks after meeting him. 

Here's Dave and I, 13 months later at the Grand Canyon. 

Reason for this post is because Dave is soon leaving Phoenix to head for his "permanent" role back in CT. Not only am I a bit jealous of him, but I AM going to miss him a tad bit. At work, where I constantly have the want to punch my boss in his vagina, Dave has been perfect at using his douchebaggery skills to help create humor throughout my day. And for that he will be missed. The forces of good that we call ourselves and our goal to fight the forces of evil that is our boss and his mongoloid followers will be down to a team of one.

Hard to believe with this pic, but we're the cool bosses at work

Who else will I create nicknames with for almost all of my coworkers and almost half of our employees so we could tell funny stories of the dumb things that they do infront of others without people knowing??

The nicknames themselves are hilarious and have a method. Sometimes we like to use someone's initials and match it to a popular phrase or compound word, e.g., if we wanted to talk about how annoying "Dana Smith" was, we would just say "So I saw Dance Star trying to make tea in the coffee maker". We also give people complete nicknames due to their personality, like one of our favorites, "Steamboat Mickey." Just picture someone who looks like this at every point of the day, particularly when in conversation...

Oh boy!!

Finally, we group them together, strategically placed employees are known as the Bermuda Triangle, due to the loss of brain cells if you were to engage in conversation with all of them at the same time. Though, it is easy to escape this triangle, a tactic we use by simply walking away from them mid-conversation. Trust me, it works every time.

Now that Dave's departure is upon us, I will also need to get a few things in order. I'm going to have handle cash better and remember my badge at work all the frickin time. Dave frequently had to lend me his badge (and money) to get lunch or to purchase something. No worries though, I always pay him back and stuff and I'm pretty sure my tab is settled with him. I was hoping for some good treats from him moving, I had an idea of some of the "going away presents" that he could give to me, including his coffee table and an endless amount of food from his refrigerator. Instead, so far I got some mustard and an open pack of wontons, but I'm not complaining...except here...because I wanted his coffee table.

So here's to Douchebag Dave. May your creepy smile and easy to punch face brighten someone else's day in CT.